Dare I say it...???

I am going to attempt to write about something I have been thinking of for a while. I will do my best to explain how I am feeling because I need to make sure this all comes out how it's meant. The only reason I am going to write on what I am about to write on is because a few people who I have confided in about this seem to be struggling with the same thing and I have a feeling there might be more people out there. So here it goes.

Just a note, when I refer to "Christianity" I am referring to the Protestant Christian faith, not any other type of religion that is lumped into "Christianity".

Lately, I have been struggling with Christianity. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, rest assured that the TRUTH of Christianity is not what I am wrestling with. I absolutely believe that the God of the Christian faith is the True and Living God; I believe Jesus Christ is God's one and only Son, who provided the only way to the Father through death on the cross and taking upon himself the sin of the world; I believe the Bible is the Word of God and 100% inherent and I do not believe that any other book or "scripture" has been divinely added to it. Belief is not what I am struggling with.

What I am struggling with is finding the distinction between belief in the truth about God and the heart-changing faith in God. It's easy to believe in God. 98% of Americans believe in the Christian God, right? Even the DEMONS believe and shutter (in the book of James somewhere). But, I know there is a difference between belief in God and putting your faith in God (or being born-again, or trusting in God for salvation... there are many ways we can say that).

And of course, there are certain things Christians do to mark themselves as Christian: we pray, go to church, encourage one another, sing songs, have prayer meetings, tell each other that God has a plan, we try to not to ask questions when tragedy strikes because God is in control, we try to live moral lives, shop out of the Christian yellow pages, we go to Christian schools or home schools, we avoid having too close of "non-Christian" friends, we cringe when someone swears or tells a taste-less joke.... I have been doing all of this (or trying to) for 27 years and for the past few months, I have realized I am a total fake. I do this stuff because I feel like I should; it's the Christian thing to do. The Christian bubble is pretty cushy... we all hold hands and hug and sing and it's like we avoid the world, rather than living in it to make an impact. I mean, really living in it: hanging out with people who don't call themselves "Christian," reaching out to someone and being involved in their lives beyond the 2-hour coffee house discussion, meaning it when we say "how are you?" and educating ourselves on what's out there and realizing that people who have different perspectives are real people and just want to be loved.

By saying I am a fake, I am not saying I am not a Christian; the truth is, I don't know who I am or if I am (here is where most Christians would tell me "oh, I know you are saved" and then they'd provide some good evidence as if they knew my heart). But what I do know is this: I want to figure out who I am, I trust that God has not given up on me, and I am not going to pretend anymore. I am going to be real. And right now, that means that I am questioning everything I've ever known about what a Christian life should look like. It means that I am not going to do the "Christian thing" just because I feel like I have to. I want it to be genuine; I don't want to pretend like I don't have problems or struggles or that everything is "fine" simply because God is in control. This is too serious a matter to continue to take for granted. I need to either be a true Christian or stop trying to be something I'm not (no worries, I desire the former). Maybe I am wrong about all this, but I guess that is ok because my goal is to figure things out.

My goal in writing this was absolutely not to have anyone reassure me or call me or anything of the sort and I apologize for possibly sounding like a jerk; I am just really frustrated. I just think that maybe someone else out there is struggling with the same thing and I wanted to tell them that they are not alone. This is not an easy thing to admit and many people will think I am going through a phase and won't see the depth of this struggle and that is ok. But the truth is, I have denied this struggle of mine for most of my 27 years just hoping that one day it would somehow not be an issue. I've tried to pretend along the way and I think I've done an alright job, but now, I must face reality now because frankly, I don't want to run out of time.