Hmmm...

Thinking about blogging again. The problem is that I'm not sure where to start!

Whoa!

Wow, it's been a while.

A lot has changed in the past year since I've blogged but I won't bother going into all my major life changes. Anyone who actually stumbles upon this blog to notice I've updated it, is someone who already knows all about the fact that I've now been married for 4 months (holy cows! I'm married!).

Although, it is worth mentioning that my lack of blogging for the past year is directly related to the fact that the "free time" I had in the evenings to blog was replaced with many wedding planning-related activities.

And I'm going to be honest... the only reason I'm even blogging now is because I'm awake late, my husband is sleeping, and I'm looking for ways to waste time so I can prolong dragging my tired butt off this chair and go to bed. You know that whole, "I'm too tired to get up and go to bed" thing? Yeah, that's me right now.

Christmas is in a week and I'm excited about that. It's always a fun time with family! We go to Karl's sister's on Christmas Eve and my parents on Christmas Day. We got pretty lucky that his family celebrates on Christmas Eve and mine on Christmas Day. Makes "sharing" the holiday's a lot easier!

I'm tired. So this totally random blog is coming to a quick end.

Countdown to Christmas Update

There are just three days left in my 25 Days of No Christmas Treats. And I've done pretty darn good!

A few of my "oops" moments:

* I had a candy cane on two seperate occasions after my bff sent me some from CA - it was 2 points on the WW program but I counted those points. And it's a yummy 2-point treat!
* I also had a three bites (total) of some Christmas cookies last night and a Hershey's kiss (with an almond in it... mmmmm).
* I had some Dove chocolates, but I figured out how many points those were, and counted them, too.

Some of my victories have include:

* baking cookies and fudge and not eating or tasting anything!
* avoiding all chocolate, cookies, and candies at work and giving away the ones that were directly given to me (the givers were unaware of this and I still expressed my gratitude at their thoughtfulness)
* eating veggies, cheese and crackers and drinking diet coke at holiday parties (very hard)
* counting and tracking everything I eat to stay on track with WW
* and my favorite victory: not only have I have I avoided gaining the 7-10 holiday pounds, I have actually lost 5.6 pounds - so in a way, I am ahead 13-15 lbs, right?

Upcoming [victorious] battles:

* Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - lots of good food (homemade bread and butter!) and goodies will be lingering around and I will need to be very strong. If I track my points, I should be good.
* New Year's Eve - I have no official plans yet, but let's face it, this day always involves eating, drinking, and being merry.
* The "after the holiday" leftovers that people litter the office with - Which, really... why make so much food if you are going to just dump it on your coworkers? As much as I love food and goodies and as much as I would be sad to see some of my favorites go, I still don't understand why holidays revolve around it. But at any rate, there are always tons of leftovers and those leftovers always find their way to the office

My wishes:

* to eat a big, fat batch of warm, slightly undercooked, Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies (and I could easily do this)
* to drink a big, fat glass of Nestle chocolate milk  :):):)

Thanks to my friends and family (coast to coast; cubicle to cubicle) who have been super supportive and who will continue to be supportive! I appreciate everyone understanding the importance of my goals and not being offended if I turn down something you offer me (or not offering me something because you know it will tempt me) so that I can keep "on track."

So, look for another update in a few weeks and I appreciate any encouragement you have to offer! =)

Cherrio!

Countdown to Christmas

There are many ways people countdown the days till Christmas.

There is the classic Advent Calendar countdown where there is something fun to do or eat each of the 25 days leading up to Christmas. Or what about the paper chain! I made one of those once in a countdown to meet Taylor (well, it wasn't a chain to countdown the days till Christmas, but I met Taylor a week after Christmas, so it was close enough). And then, we have the song we all love (well, all of us but my brother Charlie who hates all Christmas music): The 12 Days of Christmas.

There are many ways to countdown the days to Christmas and each way adds it's own fun and novelty to the whole Christmas season. This year, I have decided to make my own, personal countdown to Christmas Eve:

"25 Days of Avoiding Christmas Food and Treats"

And this joyous countdown will take place from today, November 29th, through December 23rd.

Today, I read that the average person gains 7 to 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. And really, this is something I already knew, both from reading something similar in years past, and unfortunately, from experience (special thanks to Christmas Season 2009 - and if you didn't gain the Christmas weight last year, it's because I gained yours, too).

Normally, people just throw caution to the wind, eat what they want, and then join the millions of Americans who make a New Year's Resolution to lose the weight beginning January 1st. Well, I am going on vacation in February and if I follow the normal trend, I won't have the time it requires to lose the 7 to 10 Christmas pounds (let alone the 15+ pounds left over from last year's Christmas season) in order to get this body into a reasonably un-scary, bathing suit-wearing condition.

So, I have to start working towards my goal right now.

My goal is to not only avoid gaining the 7 to 10 Christmas pounds, but to also lose the recommended 1-2 pounds per week (with the help of WeightWatchers!! who by the way, has a new PointsPlus program -as of today- that is worth checking out if you like the WW program - it's how Jennifer Hudson lost all her weight).

My "25 Days of Avoiding Christmas Food and Treats" will involve me keeping track of all the wonderful, Christmas treats and foods that I am avoiding to meet my goal. And since I work in an office (aka: dumping grounds for unwanted edibles) I am pretty sure that, short of me being a hermit and sleeping all day (which has been known to happen), I will run into at least one Christmas treat-type-thing every day.

Today's avoided treat: a peppermint, chocolatey, almond bark yumminess.

Now, I have to clarify that I am not avoiding my normal treats. For example, I have these WW-friendly ice creams bars that I like and I will continue to eat those. This whole thing is my attempt to avoid the Christmas treats, cookies, breads, special mochas from coffee shops, candy canes... CANDY CANES!!!!! (okay, I just realized right now that this means avoiding candy canes *deep breath* I can do this)!

I know that some of you will want to tell me to just enjoy Christmas treats in moderation. Here is the problem. I don't DO moderation. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. If I bake cookies, I don't eat one; I eat most. And for me to be successful at my long-term goal (to get this out of control body into a bathing suit-tolerant condition), I have to give myself strict parameters and specific guidelines. And part of this if having a list of don'ts. To be honest, this will be way easier if I avoid all of it, rather than try to be moderate with some of it.

Feel free to join me if you find yourself in a similar "I don't want to gain 7 to 10 pounds" situation. It won't be easy, but on January 1st, when all your friends and family wake up with clothes that are too tight and fighting the obligation to join the millions of other fluffy people at the over-crowded gym, you can smile. And eat a left over Christmas cookie without an ounce of guilt :)

Now **raising a glass** here's to hoping I don't fail miserably! **clink** :-/

Close friends and family, here is where your encouragement and support comes in handy!

Who's with me???

Hockey: 10% skill, 90% knowing how to play the game

I'm sitting here at home in my jammies, and rather than getting ready to go play hockey, I am watching the Vikings get slaughtered by the Packers. We are getting freezing rain here in Minnesota and as much as I LOVE playing ice hockey, I can't justify the risk of driving on really icy roads to play (I'd be driving over 50 miles round trip).

So, since I can't play hockey today, I thought I'd use the time to write about it.

Wayne Gretzky is the greatest man to ever lace up a pair of skates. He once said, "I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been." And I try to play by that short, but well summarized, philosophy of how to play the game.

I certainly am far from a perfect hockey player and make tons of mistakes all the time. I am not a very quick skater, although, I did learn in a Rob Little skating clinic that just when you think you are skating your fastest, try skating harder and faster, because you can. Practice skating so fast that you feel out of control and you will surprise yourself. I digress.... Anyway, I am not super quick, but I have both seen and experienced that just because someone is quick, it doesn't make them a great hockey player. Sure, speed is advantageous, but it's not what makes or breaks a game by any means.

I've seen really fast guys skate the puck from end to end, only to be shut down buy a good defender or awesome goalie. And from the bench, we can see all the missed passing opportunities that could have really increased our chances of scoring or getting a killer rebound chance if they had only lifted their head up or been willing to share the glory of a goal.

My point is that, while skill is important, knowing how to play the game is more important. There are a few things that I try to bring to my game in order to be as effective as possible and the best team player that I can possibly be. And I still have a very long ways to go...

First, skate you @ss off everytime you are on the ice. Obviously there are times when you aren't moving a whole lot, but everytime you are skating for the puck, skating to catch the opponent in their break out, moving to break up the opponent's pass, or skating towards a loose puck, skate your hardest. If you aren't skating hard then you really don't deserve to get there first. I am afraid to watch myself play on a video because I know that I would be extremely lacking in this area.

So very often, I see people coasting around, waiting for the puck to come to them or watching the game happen around them. I can't tell you how many times I've seen (and been this person) watching a pass come towards them, rather than skating a few extra steps to GO catch it, only to have the opponent intercept it because they are the ones moving their feet.

I've watched opponents and seen teammates watch as opponents handle the puck, trying to decide what to do with it, and we just sit back and watch their play happen; this, rather than skating towards them and applying pressure to FORCE them to move the puck to a place they don't necessarily want to send it. If we just sit back and watch and we don't apply that pressure then it gives them time to find an open guy to pass the puck to. But, I have also seen great results when we do apply pressure: it either forces the opponent to just dump the puck without intention or, sometimes, they turn it over and you get posession! Either way, it's a win-win so WHY not skate hard and apply the pressure?

Just a few games ago, while playing with my co-ed team, the Diablos, we were short-handed with a guy in the box. One of my awesome teammates, Monique, followed the puck into the offensive zone to apply pressure to their D. Her pressure ended up forcing a turn over and she got a short-handed goal! If she hadn't given that extra bit of effort and applied pressure, she wouldn't have created that amazing scoring opportunity.

Another aspect of the game that I believe is more important than natural talent is passing. No matter how fast you can skate, the puck can be passed at a faster speed and will force your opponent to chase you around like chickens with their heads cut off (which, btw, I just realize that I've never seen a chicken with their head cut off... hmmm). Again, this is something I really need to continue to work on.
 
When I get the puck, or see that I am about to, the first thing I do is quickly look up to see my options for passing it. I have milliseconds to decide if I have a great passing option, if it would be better for me to skate it up a bit, or if I should dump it somewhere neutral (like into the corner of the offensive zone so we can make a line change). Knowing where your passing options are is imperative to a successful hockey game. And frankly, that is why it's a team sport and not a game made up entirely of a shootout. And just as important to seeing where your options are at is talking on the ice to let your teammates know where you are and if you are open for a pass. I am SO bad at this, I need to talk on the ice way more often than I do!
 
And finally, I'd like to expand on the Great One's quote, "I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been." The one thing that will tire out a team faster than a short walk will tire out old man Favre is chasing the puck around the ice. If you want to be successful, create turnovers and shut down the opponent, you have to be able to anticipate where the puck is going to be and get there. When the opposition is breaking out the puck or trying to get a scoring chance in our zone, I look around and think, "where is that player going to pass the puck?" And then I try and get into position to block or intercept that pass. If you aren't looking around and recognizing what the opposition's passing options are then you are playing with blinders on and will get very tired chasing around the puck - I know this from experiece!
 
Oh and one last little tid bit: never try to play goalie for your goalie. Sorry bout that Jen! :)
 
So, to sum it up: Skate your hardest ALL the time, look for passing opportunities, play where the puck is going to be, not where it's been, don't play goalie if you aren't the goalie, and Gretzky is the Great One.
 
I am getting sad that I am not at either of my games right now :(

Safety first, though, and driving on icy roads: I don't feel safe.
 
Cherrio!

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way

A lot has happened in the past 7 or 8 months. Things I could not foresee. Things that, if you had told me they were going to happen, I would have said, "yeah right," and laughed. But also, things that I think have made me a better person. I was pruned, if you will.

It's amazing what you have to go through to learn who your true friends are. During a weird and tough time of my life, I had friends at work totally ditch me and throw me under the bus. To add insult to injury, they didn't hesitate to keep their opinions to themselves so now, people who I don't even know that well, give me the cold shoulder. Other friends who I thought had my back and whom I confided in were telling the first people what I was saying all the while pretending they felt my pain. I felt so betrayed and so alone. What sucks more is that I have to see these people every day. And it's been a long journey figuring out how to deal with this mess, loss of trust, loss of friendships, disloyalty, backstabbing and being totally ignored by people who I thought were friends and people who I sat right next to 40 hours a week.

But, all things work out for the good right? Right. Because through this I have learned SO much.

I have learned that it's totally unfair to form concrete and unwavering opinions about people when you don't really know them, especially if your experience with that person is just what someone else tells you. We have no idea what people's stories are. We might think we know people because we see them 5 days a week but what is going on in their personal lives that we don't know about? I know it's lame to bring your personal problems to work and be rude to people who have nothing to do with whatever has made you upset, but sometimes life is just that overwhelming and you can't help but be distracted, withdrawn or impersonal with people. Maybe, rather than judging someone, be there for them. Tell them you are there to listen if they need it. Or just be kind. And for goodness sake, don't fuel rumors or go around telling people that "Suzie is such a mean person." When I needed a friend, my friends bailed on me and made false judgements about me rather than asking me what was up. It sucked but because of this, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, stick up for those people who are being "picked on," because I know what it feels like now. And it sucks. And no one deserves to be treated so poorly.

I have also learned that if one of your closest friends is someone who is quick to tell you someone else's secrets or pretends to genuinely care about people to get information and then tell other people what they've learned, that friend will do the same thing to you - pretend to care about you to get information and then tell your secrets. I should have seen that coming. I am MUCH more cautious about what I tell people now and who I tell stuff to.

Another thing I've learned through this is who my real friends are. And what a breath of fresh air they have been. It's so awesome to have friends who are genuine, fun, and who really, really care. I think that I will learn to be a better friend because of this, too.

Finally, I am in the processes of learning to care a lot less about what others think of me and be more concerned about being myself, sticking to my morals and convictions, and getting to know some really nice and genuine people I work with.

Time

Time is like toilet paper: it's only useful if you use it. And you only have so much of it before it's gone so you better not waste it.

There are a lot of things we take for granted in life. And if it's not #1 on the list, I think "time" is certainly a contender for that spot.

Just think about it. How many people wish for the day they graduate high school or college? Get married? Go on vacation? Have a baby? Get that perfect job? Retire? Or even small stuff like looking forward to getting off work and going to bed?

It's like time is our enemy or something. Anytime someone tells me they can't wait for retirement I always say, "I don't want to be retiring soon; that would mean I'm over 60 years old!!" I mean, there is nothing wrong with being 60, but I'd like to live from ages 29-59 first.

Don't get me wrong, there are certainly moments in life I hope will pass quickly. There are lots of days that I hope for my work day to go by quickly and unfortunately, my job is the perfect concoction for time to crawl by slower than a toddler pulling a U-haul trailer behind his tricycle.

Oh or what about that moment when you are in the check-out line at Target with a gallon of milk in one hand and a loaf of bread in the other and the person in front of you has a shopping cart with $200+  worth of stuff in it? It never fails that they look at you, observe your two items, and then continue to put their stuff on the belt, rather than extend the courtesy of letting you sneak ahead of them with your two things. That is definitely a situation where you hope time flies by.

Anyway, I think we spend way to much of our life wishing it away, looking forward to the next event, thing, or moment. And I think we need to savor each moment.

I am not talking about making sure that at the end of every day you have a few things checked off your TTD list and you donated at least an hour of your time to charity. I'm talking about being able to look back at your day knowing that you were intentional about it. Even if that means you intentionally laid on the couch and watched tv. Even if that means you intentionally avoided all the things you had to do that day because you knew it could wait till tomorrow. And even if it means that you hated every minute of what you had to do but you did it anyway because you knew it had to get done.

And time... I don't think it heals all things. Well, objectively, time heals cuts and scraps and stuff (along with a little natural science hard at work). But the "time heals all things" deal... not so sure that is true. Time just provides you with the opportunity to address or avoid your issues. And I feel like the past few months I've learned to work with time and use it to my advantage. I have some things I'm working through - no, nothing major, just the usual struggles of life and learning how to deal with difficult people and situations. And with this, I am trying to be patient. I am trying to not wish myself to the moment where I feel like I have handle on things (heck, that moment might not ever come). And I'm doing my best to learn from and internalize the little lessons along the way and to see where I made mistakes in the past and handle things differently the next time I encounter similar situations.

Obviously, there are a zillion reasons why we should not waste the time we are given. But I guess the important thing to remember is that time is not reversible or replaceable. What you have is what you get. And unlike that roll of toilet paper, you can't just run out to Costco and buy more, so use it wisely =)

Unfriended

It's been an interesting year regarding friends. (don't worry, I won't be talking about anyone who reads this blog - or if they do read this blog, they are stalking me, which is creepy)

Unfriended. That word has become a household word thanks to Facebook. This year, I've been unfriended, both on facebook and in the real world (and technically the facebook unfriending manifests itself in the real world too).

What I find to be sad, but amusing is that a few of these unfriendings are not the first time it's happened. Two words: Junior High. I hated Jr. High. And basically all my secondary education from there on out. The worst part for me was not having to get out of bed (although I did hate that), it wasn't the homework, teachers or having to ride the bus occasionally -very occasionally! Thanks mom :) School sucked because of the drama that ensues between kids.

I'd have friends who I thought were good friends. We'd hang out at school all day, talk on the phone all night, and then, the next day, I'd go to school and said friends would want nothing to do with me. I'd be treated as though I was a vile, infectious disease that was to be avoided at all costs. And it sucked. I hated going to school not knowing if I would have friends that day.

We grew up and I stayed in touch with those "friends" and things were fine. But it's amazing how something like those few years of Jr. High can have a huge impact on my life. I always felt ugly and undesireable because I was literally told those things. I have always been really insecure in friendships, afraid that I might do or say something that will make people stop liking me because in Jr. High, that was my reality. I've gotten a lot better about feeling that insecure; I try to be confident in who I am and realize that my personality was not a mistake.

But I found it to be kind of ironic that I have, once again, been unfriended. by the same people Now, I don't mind being unfriended in theory. I have unfriended people on facebook that I don't talk to ever, that I hardly know, or people who simply wouldn't notice I was no longer one of their 538 friends. But if I have offended someone, someone who is a real friend, I'd rather know and be given a chance to make it right (or at least given an explanation) rather than randomly discover that I have been nixed. I guess some people are good at unfriending... either that or I am good at losing friends? Maybe I really am doing something so annoying or horrible that someone would like me one day and not the next?

Not all of the people who've unfriended me in real life are facebook friends. I was recently unfriended by someone at work because (after 3 months of being ignored and I finally asked what was up and I found out that...) they held me to a high standard and apparently they thought I was only dating Karl because he's cute. Seriously? you might ask... Seriously. Now don't get me wrong, Karl is cute and I think physical attraction is super important. But if I was only in a relationship for "cute" then I wouldn't have waited so long to seriously date someone. I mean, is the world really full of people who are so shallow that they just unfriend people without even giving the person an opportunity to make things right or clear up whatever misunderstanding has taken place?

If someone says something super offensive and it seems out of nowhere, out of character, or extremely personal (but how would they know that about me???) then man up and talk to the person. Chances are there is a good explanation for what was said or what happened.

I've come to realize a few things through all these unfriendings. First, if someone is that shallow, I don't want them as a friend anyway. Second, I've learned what it means to be a real friend thus, I recognize those friends in my own life. Third, some friendships are only for a season and while it's a shame they have to end the way they do, there is no point in trying to force a friendship beyond it's purposed time.

Now, I am not claiming to be a perfect friend. I've definitely been that "bad friend" but situations like this have really made think about how I can be a better friend to those I love. It has also made me realize that we each have different ideas of what it is that others do that show they are a true friend. For me, it's listening during tough times, reaching out to me if I'm not myself (rather than "giving me space"), and weirdly, coming to watch me play hockey. For some reason, that is super high on my list. haha

I'm thankful for all my friends, both in "real life" and those I mostly keep in touch with in cyber world...

Hockey Season

I love fall!

The cooler weather is amazing, but more importantly, fall means hockey season is here!

The beginning of October marks the beginning of the NHL 2010-2011 season. And it means the beginning of MY hockey season.

This year, I will be playing on the Diablos coed team again.

And I will also be playing on a women's team: The Jets.

I am stoked!

Write God's Word on your heart foot...

The past month has been interesting and good. Hard and necessary. Beneficial and enjoyable.

I have had to face some of my anxiety issues head on; it became unavoidable. And for those of you who knew I was off work, that issue goes way deeper than what I am going to write about here, so this isn't "why" I was off work, just something that came up during that time. And since this is a public blog, we're going to avoid the "why I was off work" issue. Oh and this is NOT an invitation to ask why I was off, either :)

write the disclaimer. check.

Onward....

I have had some deep struggles with God these past few years. Well, I've had them longer than a few years, but now, I'm finally admiting it. And it's not so much me struggling with God as me just avoiding the fact that I need to struggle with God. I have been extremely frustrated with not having answers to hard questions. Tough questions that many pastors would avoid... like, how can we know that something is an answer to prayer versus a happening that would have occured even if I was a tree-hugging-must-do-yoga-and-be-one-with-the-earth-athiest? Why, when God promises peace (assurance) of salvation by simply "believing in your heart and confessing with your mouth Jesus is Lord," would someone have to pray for years to receive that peace? How can we be sure there is a heaven when no one (I'm talking no one who is still alive AND I can see face to face) has been there and then came back to say, "Hey earthlings, I've got good news and bad news: Heaven is real. So is hell."

These questions just scratch the surface of what I deal with in my head. Day in and day out, I have questions like this. Sometimes I avoid thinking about them, and other times, I have tearfully poured over these questions with friends and family. But what has remained consistent is this: no matter how much I question or how hard it is for me to have faith (if I have any at all) I KNOW that the Bible is true, God is who he says he is, and even if I don't "get" Him, it doesn't make his Word any less true.

Having said that, I still have to deal with this stuff. God created me and gave me what I'd like to call the "Clark Personality" - I over analyse everything, I want facts, I need things and people to be tangible, and any explanation needs to be logical, to the point and without fluff (hey, I didn't say that is the way that *I* will always explain something to you haha). I wish I had the "uncomplicated" faith type of personality: take things at face value, trust everyone, and believe that everyone around me is doing their best to make everyone else feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe this personality wouldn't be able to debate theology as well, but they wouldn't need to; they know whom they believe in and that is enough for them. Wouldn't that be great!? =) I am jealous of people who are like that!

So, here I sit, needing answers about a God who I know is real and living and true but many of the questions I'm asking don't have the kind of answers that I like to have.

This struggle of mine has freaked some people out... like mom. Don't worry mom, I understand... you are on the outside looking in, seeing me, your daughter, struggle with something that used to be so easy for me. Seeing me making changes in my life and you fear that I won't find my way back to God. I don't blame you for questioning my committment to my faith.

But this whole thing kind of came to a point where I really needed my faith to be real and if it wasn't, I was not going to continue pretending. What would be the point of that? I have a feeling there will be lots of people who went through life doing and saying all the right things, while secretly having questions about what they believe, and someday, they will stand before God, shocked that their name isn't found in the book, because while they were damn good at doing and saying the right thing, they never really trusted God... I don't want that to be me (or anyone for that matter).

So. I decided to ask the questions and stop pretending.

Something I've always known but that has become very apparent to me is this: you can't talk someone into believing in Jesus. Sure, God might use a conversation you have, but it is not something you can talk to someone about, have them repeat a special prayer and bam! saved! Often times those conversations and prayers get the ball rolling and sometimes, God uses those moments to bring people to himself. But when God gets your heart, I am confident that you will just know it. You will have that peace of salvation (even if, for some reason that only God knows, God makes you pray for that peace for years and years). I don't have that peace; which doesn't necessarily mean I'm not "saved" but it concerns me enough to seek that peace. And I might have to pray for it for a while but I am counting on God to deliver on that promise!

And I don't want to be the cookie-cutter Christian. I might read this someday and "lol" that I am saying this, but I doubt it. I want to be *real* because guess what, I have issues. We all do. Yet when you walk into a church many people hide their problems (granted, some issues you want to hide, at least from most people). But I am so tired of the facade. I am tired of people cringing and looking at me funny because I said a bad word (sometimes, I am emotional and I swear because it's the best word that fits in that moment. And YOU do too!!! You may not admit it. You may not say it out loud. But 4 letter words run through your head sometimes. Own up to it. haha). I am tired of people freaking out because I didn't go to church for a week, month or, wait for it, a year. Basically, God didn't give us a check list of do's and don't's on how to live our lives (yes, there are laws and certain things that are sins, but he didn't say: wear skirts, don't go to bars, never dye your hair blue, always judge people who smoke, etc).

So, my goal is this: seek answers to the questions and trust God with the rest. As someone who likes to have total control, this is never going to happen in my lifetime, but hopefully, it will get better. And just as a side note, just because I am writing this post, doesn't mean I am going to get my church clothes out and join a church next week; it doesn't mean I want to talk about this kind of stuff all the time; it doesn't mean I want to pray together or read the Bible together.

It's a step.

Kind of like the AA program... Step 1: Admit you have a problem. Check. I have a problem. A faith problem.

To get to the title of this post... I wanted something to remind me of this endeavor, my "faith journey" if you will... something so that I don't forget. Something that can be a permanant reminder that I choose Jesus, even if he confuses the crap out of me sometimes! So, even though this will cost me $300 when my dad finds out (a whole other topic for another time), I felt it was something I wanted to do... for me... so no one else has to like it because I do.

And so.... since I can't literally write God's Word on my heart, I figured I do the next best thing... put a Christian fish and cross on my foot (in PINK of course).

I know what you are thinking... "You're going to regret that someday." Sure. Maybe. But here's the thing... first, there are bigger things in life to regret. second, even if I regret the permanant marking, I will never regret my reasons for doing it and what it reminds me of.